I’m very proud of my cousin who, after many years of trying, finally got a leading role on a TV series that is broadcast internationally.
The setting: A small alpine village where everything remains just right and everything is as it should be, until my cousin enters looking to rekindle the love for his teenage sweetheart after spending a decade away from the village – making his name as a successful businessmen in the United States. He checks into the hotel where she is working as a receptionist, and books the suite …
When I spoke to my cousin during the shooting, he wasn’t too happy about the whole thing since the directors were very critical of his performance especially that he wasn’t ‘macho enough’ – the presumption being that it’s the macho alpha males that win the princess. Whilst my cousin is an actor and, with his background in theatre, is trained to play a wide spectrum of roles, it was the role itself that wasn’t quite right either, perhaps even cliche or outdated. And in any case, if the directors simply wanted a macho man, they should’ve chosen one. My cousin tried to bring his own artistic interpretation to the role as well, but the directors wanted none of it.
It’s a tough situation to be in, because with that feedback, you automatically feel not quite good enough no matter what you do or how well you do it. I, too, have been in that situation many times, feeling that I was on the ‘back-foot’ and there was an overfocus on what I’m dong wrong rather than what I’m doing well. It’s stressful and tiring (burning a lot of negative energy in the process). I think a natural response is to feel not good quite enough, or even, too good for it – traits that we slip into based on fears and triggers.
Somehow it’s important in all of this to stay true to oneself. A couple of things that have helped me recently:
- Having a community around me has really supported me in such situations,
- Coaching or mentoring conversations (from someone who has almost definitely been in this situation before),
- Time alone to reflect upon triggers and fears that prompt behavioural traits that might hold us back (booked in the diary)
- Focussing on the role, and re-discussing the expectations and what success could look like,
- Being open enough to acknowledge that a imperfect fit doesn’t mean failure, and that if it doesn’t work out, that’s ok,
- Figuring out what you need to re-centre (for me it’s writing, sport and some ceremonies I do),
- An openness to learn and take some pointers that do have some value for further progress,
- Learning what some early warning signs could be for next time!
In many ways, this wasn’t the perfect role for my cousin.
But here’s something to think about: many of us have been in this situation where it wasn’t a great fit, and we felt insecure, but how many of us did that with 5 million people watching us?
Of course, there’s another point about how you measure success. Going back to the director’s complaint that my cousin was not being macho enough to win the princess, it turns out that ‘behind the scenes’ being the he way was, was just fine – and the magical shoe did fit!
